BE COMPATIBLE BEFORE FALLING IN LOVE

Long-term relationships fail for many reasons, but one of the most common is incompatibility in important areas of your life. It’s all too easy to overlook major differences in the first bloom of love, but will the traits and beliefs that seem endearing in the first months of a new relationship still be acceptable in five, ten, or forty years? The sad thing is that a painful breakup could have been avoided, simply by having an honest discussion of important issues before the relationship got too deep. If you take a hard look at the ways you differ from your new flame, you can spare yourself a broken heart and a lot of time down the road. Here are five questions that you should ask yourself before your relationship gets too serious.

1. Are Our Politics Compatible?
Politics is an issue which is often ignored in the early stages of a relationship. Who wants to think about global warming when you could be planning a romantic getaway? However, people tend to be passionate about their political beliefs, and differing views can cause relationships to explode. Falling in love with people who share your political tendencies will make a smoother road to travel in the future.

2. Are Our Religious Views Compatible?
Opposing religious views might work out for two adults who respect one another, even if you do have difficulty reconciling your agnostic views with his dedication to spending Sunday mornings in church. However, they can become a strain in a long term relationship, especially if you plan to have children.

3. Are Our Patterns of Communication Compatible?
Some couples frequently flare up at each other, shouting and yelling over every little problem – only to be doting on each other five minutes later. Others would be badly hurt, preferring to discuss disagreements calmly and peaceably. Difficulties often arise when communication patterns within the relationship vary widely.

4. Do We Have Similar Visions of the Future?
When you first fall in love, all you can think about is the next time that you can see your new flame again. However, this is the best time to consider the future as well. If you’ve always dreamed of children and she doesn’t want them, or you envision spending your life in the country while he wants the glamour of city life, it will be difficult to combine your differing views into a comfortable life together.

5. Do We Have Similar Ideas About Love?
Everybody has different ideas about how people who are in love should act. Perhaps you show your affection through your actions instead of your words, or you want your independence while your lover wants to spend all your spare time together. The more compatible these opinions, the easier your life together will be.

With love, honest communication, and respect, any of these differences may be overcome. However, knowing the areas in which you and your new love are not a perfect fit will allow you to address these issues early on. If you are not able to come to an agreement, you will know that the relationship will not work before it is too late.

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THE MEANING OF ROMANTIC GIFTS FROM YOUR LOVER

IF SHE GIVES

If You Give: A tie
You're Saying: "Your beer-guzzling, frat boy charm has worn off. Please get a real job."

If You Give: Silk boxer shorts
You're Saying: "The less clothing I see you in, the better, stud."

If You Give: A weekend vacation for two
"I like you enough to spend every moment of the entire weekend with you alone. So if you were wondering if this is serious, it is."

If You Give: A sports car modeling kit
You're Saying: "I know that deep down beneath that manly exterior lies a little boy who wants to play. I respect that."

If You Give: Jewelry
You're Saying: "Did I already mention my ring size?"

If You Give: A shirt
You're Saying: "I like your style, but don't you think you'd look better in something like this?"

If You Give: A framed picture of the two of you
You're Saying: "Either wedding bells are about to ring, or I'm psychotic and will definitely stalk you if we break up."

If You Give: Tickets to a hockey game
You're Saying: "Take me to this game and help me learn more about your interests. Take a friend and lose me forever."

If You Give: A best-selling book
You're Saying: "I don't know you that well, but other people liked this, so why shouldn't you?"

If You Give: A handmade sweater
You're Saying: "I'm definite marriage material, if you like the Martha Stewart type."



If He Gives...

If He Gives: A necklace
He's Saying: "I really care about you and want you to think about me every time you wear this."

If He Gives: Lingerie
He's Saying: "I already think you're sexy, but I've fantasized about seeing you in something like this."

If He Gives: A Cuisinart
He's Saying: "I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm not attracted to you anymore."

If He Gives: A puppy
He's Saying: "I can already visualize the house, the picket fence and the children too."

If He Gives: A sweater
He's Saying: "I've got no imagination and I probably gave the same gift to my mother."

If He Gives: A weekend vacation for two
He's Saying: "I want 48 hours of uninterrupted sex."

If He Gives: A new perfume
He's Saying: "My ex-girlfriend wore what you wear now, so please try this."

If He Gives: A cellular phone
He's Saying: "Either I'm genuinely concerned about your safety or I need to be able to reach you every second of every minute of every day."

If He Gives: A CD you've wanted for months
He's Saying: "I am a good listener and I've got a great memory."

If He Gives: A poem
He's Saying: "I'm a romantic in love. And I'm broke."

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THE BEST WAYS TO FIND TRUE LOVE

Look at the one right beside you

It's very common for single people to spend their time searching and searching for the "right person." Zen suggests that we stop running around and instead see what is right in front of our eyes.

Look at a person who is close to you in your life right now. Whether this is a friend, a potential mate or more, notice the ways in which you push him away. Stop doing that. Just allow the two of you to be together in whatever way you are. Accept everything about your relationship as it is.

Do the same thing tomorrow with someone else. This doesn't mean that you have to consider marrying every person who crosses your path. It's just an exercise to see how commonly you might dismiss people who are already in your world because you're busy waiting for the "right one" to appear. But the more "right" you can be with everyone, the more you can open up to the very real possibilities of the present.


Stop playing around with love

So many singles complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite simple. They are so busy playing games that potential partners never get to know who they really are.

What roles or games do you play in relationships? What roles do you expect others to assume? Chances are, you follow a pretty clear pattern, but the question is: Are you falling in love with the person, or with the role that he plays? If you're not sure about your roles, turn them around for a little while. Try playing different roles. Experiment with someone who plays roles that you are not accustomed to. Notice how that feels.

The goal is to become aware of the difference between who you are and the roles you play. Eventually you'll be able to let the roles go and simply be who you are -- which is a Zen-like state of being. Who you are is always lovable and beautiful. It's the roles that get in the way.


Let partners come and go

One major obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp and cling to each other, preventing the freedom of love from rising on its own. Zen asks us to let go.

When someone comes into your life, let him come. Welcome the person, whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings, even if it's only for a short time.

When it is time for a person to go away, let him go. Do not turn the person's leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go.

Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, and don't get caught in unnecessary chains. The more you free yourself and others, the more easily you fall in love.


Put your baggage down

Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. However, these same people are repeatedly amazed when they find that these demands don't lead to happiness. Instead, the demands are just obstacles to falling in love.

What are your "must haves" for relationships? If you're not sure, write out the list and take a good look at it. Realize that this is baggage that may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. This baggage may also make you fearful, rigid and closed off to what is available for you right now. Zen asks us to break free of old demands.

Try letting one of these demands subside for just one day. Notice how you feel without it. (Remember, you can always take it back again.) Then try it another day. As you do this many times, you may find that things you thought were crucial for your life were really getting in the way. The more you do this, the more light and happy you will feel. Plus, this openness allows all kinds of new people, possibilities and situations to start coming your way. You will have made room for them by putting your baggage down.


Give gifts

Giving and receiving are at the core of every relationship. When we are in love, this is never a problem. We naturally give and are happy with whatever is offered in return. If you want to open up to falling in love, adopt this state of mind and start giving naturally.

What gifts do you give others in relationships? What do you hope to receive in return? Now take a moment to consider what else you can give someone. Then give it. Do this every day. Each day, give something else. It does not have to be fancy or expensive -- or even a material object -- just something that will add to his or her day. Then do this with all kinds of different people. Zen is about doing this kind of thing quietly without great fanfare and without expecting something in return.

Do this with yourself as well. Take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like. Simple examples are taking a walk in the park, buying a new lipstick or spending time with someone you care for. Now give yourself a gift each day.

Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily can turn everything around in your relationships. When you give, remember not to look for anything in return (not even a smile or thank you). Just give to give, with no expectations, no demands. By living with this open, generous mind, all kinds of other gifts come to you naturally.


Make friends with yourself

Many people say they are lonely, even when they have a partner at their side. This is simply because they have not yet made friends with themselves. According to Zen, once you come to terms with yourself and appreciate who you are on a personal level, it is impossible to be lonely anymore.

Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are. Accept all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on inside. Be still and look within.

Start with this exercise. Pay attention to your breath and just notice what is going on. Let it be. Accept it, and return to the breathing. Understand that, breath by breath, underneath the clamor, you are perfect just as you are. Can you choose to be this natural self in relationships? Can you choose to have relationships with those who want and appreciate just what you are? Making positive changes in your life -- and your relationships -- can start with something as simple as taking off your shoes.

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BODY LANGUAGE CHEMISTRY - SHOWING INTEREST IN A DATE

Usually the first way two people connect is through looking into each other's eyes. Before either of you speaks a single word, the eyes have already telegraphed messages. Messages can range from frank curiosity to cool assessment to shy interest. When you look deeply into a guy's eyes, you're telling him you think he's the most fascinating person in the room. In fact, if you keep your eyes locked on his, what you're saying is that as far as you're concerned, he's the only person in the room!

Full frontal eye contact can be risky, however. It can seem too bold and brazen to those men who are put off by such direct behavior by women. But if you're not the bashful maiden type, frankly gaze. In a way, it's a form of natural selection. A guy who is freaked out by your open gaze is probably not a guy for you.


Arm Crossing

When a woman crosses her arms over her chest, it can be interpreted in a number of ways by a guy. It can telegraph the message that she's a vulnerable female creature, an innocent little lamb who feels the need to protect herself from the Big Bad Wolf!

But arm crossing is also a way of telling a guy that you don't like him at all and that your fondest wish at the moment is that he'll go away.

Crossing your arms over your chest is also a sneaky way of drawing attention to your breasts. It's a primitive gesture of sexual anticipation laced with sexual anxiety, which a man might correctly read as the woman's acknowledgment of the basic Me Tarzan, You Jane chemistry happening between them.


Leaning Toward Him

The most common form of this is leaning forward when you're sitting across from him. This gesture shows interest and acceptance. In short, it means you just think he's the funniest, cutest, most fascinating creature put on the face of this earth.

But keep your poker face, player-girl! If you go overboard with the lean, you're giving away your whole hand. You want to keep him guessing at least a little bit, right?

If you catch yourself practically falling into his lap, take a deep breath, sit back in your seat and rest your hands in your lap for a few minutes ‑-- at least until you cool off.

If you find yourself leaning away from him, you're either telling him you hate his guts or you're working overtime to not let him know you're all hot and bothered for him.

Leg Crossing

Leg crossing can be interpreted as a nervous or provocative gesture. Lots of people unconsciously cross and uncross their legs when they're anxious. If you're doing this, the man will correctly intuit that he's somehow "getting" to you. In other words, it's a dead giveaway to the guy that he's unsettled you and his energy has thrown off your equilibrium. On the other hand, if you're deliberately crossing your legs to show off your sexy gams, or deliberately pointing your top leg in his direction, it means you like him a lot. If you can't stop crossing your legs and you're virtually twitching in your seat, again this is an unconscious gesture that clearly tells a man that he's really getting to you. You probably don't want to give him that much power. If he knows you're burning hot for him, he has the upper hand ‑-- and you don't want that. If something about him has really got you squirming, get up, take a walk or go home and take a cold shower.


Hair Twirling

Toying with your hair is a sure sign of nervousness. If you find yourself doing this, take a moment to ask yourself why this guy is making you nervous. Is it because he's too handsome? Too incredibly clever? Is it because you can't get your mind out of the gutter imagining what he would be like in bed? Save your agitation for later ‑-- like when you finally fall asleep and have a red-hot dream about him!

Hair twirling can also be a playful gesture. Women with long hair tend to play with their hair. Hair is sexy and twirling and tossing it draws a man's eye to it. But beware: Many guys say it really bugs them when women keep playing with their hair. Talk about sending the wrong message! What some women think is sexy is a major turnoff to some guys.


Lip Licking

This is purely physiological. Forget what they say about "drooling" over a hot guy. When we're aroused and excited, our mouths get dry. If you find yourself licking your lips a lot in the company of a new man, it means that something about him is really getting to you. Watch out!

Lip licking clearly conveys the message that you're interested in a man. It is a very sexy, and overt, type of body language ‑-- that is, if it is done correctly. What we are talking about here is a slow, sultry swipe along your lips with the tip of your tongue. Just remember to use this one with caution. Your Flirt Object will probably think you are telling him you want to take him to bed. And maybe you do! If that's the case and you're both equally interested, by all means, lick your lips. It's another way of saying, "Let's go back to your place right now." In other words, it's an action getter.


Flared Nostrils

OH MY god, this is the mother of all body language signals! Flared nostrils are an irrefutable sign of sexual arousal. If you're talking to a man and his nostrils are flaring, you can bet your booty he's aching' for you. And, um, it works vice versa. If your nostrils are flaring, your nipples are probably hard, too. If you're flirting with a guy and you've both got the nostril thing going, look out. You might have to rent a hotel room!

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HOW TO OVERCOME A BAD DATING EXPERIENCE

So, how can you get away from a bad date, without embarrassing yourself and the other person?

Be Honest

So, your current escape plans includes bad table manners, checking other people out and using the restroom for a very long time. Do you really think you're doing anyone any favors? It's more likely that you are only making a fool out of yourself.

Instead, just be upfront with your date. Tell them, "Look, there is no hope for romance between us and I would like to end our date right now". Keep your integrity.

Don’t forget that the other person has feelings too. Show them some compassion. You do not want to leave a permanent scar on his or her dating experience. How would you like it if you had to wait 45 minutes for someone to use the restroom?

Besides, they may actually end up being a better friend than a date.

Tell White Lies

So, you are not comfortable with telling your date the truth and you also do not want to hurt them. Now what? Try telling your date a white lie.

Some good ones include, "I am not feeling well tonight," "I have to get up early tomorrow morning," and "I have to get home before (whatever) time."

Just remember to use only one white lie for every bad date. Do not use more than one because your date will see through your lies and you will end up looking foolish.

Your white lie is well intentioned, so don't feel guilty about it. Not all lies are bad.

Do NOT Take The Blame

If you can't bring yourself to tell your date a white lie, then you should place the blame on an external circumstance that you have no control over.

Tell them something believable. You could say, "I do not have time for a relationship right now because I am really busy at work." Avoid anything that sounds ludicrous like, "My mom will not let me date anymore."

Again, use only one external circumstance for every awful date that you have. Use more than one and your date will get the impression (ahem, realize) that you are making up excuses.

Placing the blame on an outside circumstance will help you get away from your date a lot easier without hurting anyone's feelings or making things awkward.

Choose A Busy Location

When you go out with someone for the first time, it's impossible to know whether the date will be good or bad. Therefore, it is best to choose somewhere busy to go out on your first date. The place should be well lit and have a lot of people around.

Choosing somewhere busy will make it easier for you and your date to get along because there will be more things to discuss. Having a lot of people around eases the tension and helps you stop feeling like you are under the microscope. It's also a quick way to end the date because you could say that you need to go somewhere nearby and then blend in with the crowd. It's not as awkward as leaving someone alone at a dinner table.

Keep in mind that you should always bring plenty of cash for a taxi or a bus. You cannot rely on your date to take you home, if you choose this option.

Make It A Double Date

If you feel that you cannot leave your date, then why not change the situation and make it a double date.

Let your date know that you would like to bring another couple. By having a friend or two along, you can take the date from horrible to fun. Why waste a perfect evening? Everyone can end up having a good time.

However, if your date rejects the idea of taking along another couple, assure them that in no way will this affect your own date.

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CELIBACY HELPS RELATIONSHIPS ( COUPLES CELIBATE )

Most monogamous couples cringe at the idea of celibacy, even though some married couples have been celibate for years based on mere circumstance. Sex is such an integral part of a relationship that celibacy is viewed as a deprivation of privileges. However, studies have shown that celibacy can actually improve a relationship, and if you’ve never given it a shot, you might want to see how it goes.

Celibacy is defined as a conscious abstinence from sex, which means that one individual or a couple decides to forgo sex for a set period of time. In other cultures, celibacy is considered a spiritual trek, and is meant to heighten appreciation for other aspects of life. No matter the reason you’ve chosen celibacy, it can certainly improve the other factors in a relationship.

Here are a few tips for using celibacy to improve your relationship:

1. Set a Reasonable Goal. If you don’t honestly believe that you can be celibate for six weeks, then don’t try. Celibacy is only effective if you are able to complete the goals you have set for yourself. If, after three weeks, you give in to temptation, then you’ve undermined the entire purpose of celibacy in your relationship.

The best thing to do is to start small. You and your significant other can try celibacy for a week, and see how it goes. If, at the end of that week-long period, you feel that you should go longer, then do so! But start small and work your way up to a larger goal.

2. Use Celibacy Effectively. If, for example, you decide to try celibacy for a week, and you and your partner spend no time together during that week, then the celibacy idea was all for naught. Celibacy should be a time used to explore other aspects of a relationship, such as trying a new hobby together or spending time just talking. If you have no contact with your partner during celibacy, then you have no opportunity to explore different sides of each other.

3. Don’t Abstain from All Physical Contact. Just because you’ve vowed not to have sex for a certain period of time does not mean that you can not touch. Celibate people can still kiss, hug, hold hands and even cuddle, as long as they don’t proceed to sexual activity. At night, before bed, when you might otherwise be having sex, spend time just lying next to one another, talking and touching. This can heighten your awareness of the other person in the relationship and will place emphasis on touching for the purpose of affection, rather than orgasm.

4. Don’t Use Celibacy as a Weapon. Celibacy should be a mutual decision made between two people in a relationship, not a weapon wielded by one side. Demanding that your partner do something in order to end celibacy is not only cruel, but detrimental to the relationship. After celibacy has ended, your normal sexual life can resume. You might find that you are more in-tune with your partner, and that your sexual experience is heightened as a result of the celibacy. You’ll have given yourselves time to remember why you are together in the first place, and only good things can come from that.

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BUILDING YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE

Everyone has a few confidence problems, whether pertaining to sex, dating, marriage or something else. There are things that we would like to change about ourselves, things that we are sure must be glaringly obvious to members of the opposite sex. So how can we overcome sexual self confidence issues, and how can we know if we are obviously intimidated?

My issue was always with first sexual experiences. Anytime I knew that I would be having sex with a woman for the first time, I would experience the sweaty palms and racing pulse of a teenage boy on his first date, which was, to say the least, embarrassing. Once that first sexual encounter was over, however, I would regain my sexual self confidence and move on.

Now I don’t have to worry about that anymore, since I have found the only woman I will ever have sex with again, but over the course of our marriage, other self confidence issues have cropped up, and I’ve had to deal with them just like I’ve dealt with others.

In most cases, sexual self confidence issues are based on the unknown, because that is all we really fear. When we have no idea how someone will react to the things we do, anxiety runs rampant and we aren’t calmed until it’s over.

Here are a few tips that might help you to overcome self confidence issues:

1. Know that others feel the same way. Whatever sexual self confidence issue might plague your mind, please know that someone else has experienced it before. Whether it be physical or psychological, other men and women have worried about the same things, which means that you are by no means alone.

2. Be open about it. I have had very few bad dating experiences, and all the women I’ve been with have been open, honest, caring individuals. Had I told them about my insecurities before we had sex, they probably would have done whatever they could to make me feel better. If you are unable to be open about sexual self confidence issues with your partner, then chances are you’ve chosen the wrong one.

3. Give yourself a break. When you feel overwhelmed by sexual insecurity, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Berating yourself for your lack of sexual confidence will only serve to make you more anxious. Instead, come to terms with the issue and work through it. If you have a great sexual partner, he or she will help.

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